broadwayfuture

I'm at a crossroads in my life. I need to do something to get away from the monotony of my life. I want to do something that will affect my life. I want to move....or get married....or something drastic. I need to get away from myself....myself in this little town in Maine with nothing to show for it. Just a car and a shit job. Its not fun anymore. And the fact that I'm turning 21 in ten days is starting to scare me. I'm going to be 21!! And my life hasn't started yet. I have a friend who has been married and divorced already....and even more of my friends have children. Its like....wow....what am I doing with my life? People are really starting their lives....I'm just dawddling trying to have something come my way. I'm not even in college right now. But I have no clue....

And valentines day is coming up...what the hell am I supposed to do with that? I hate Valentine's day. I never get anything....not even a kiss. And everyone around me is getting flowers and candy and shit. Its just plain annoying.

I need to change.

Life's going good.

I'm pretty hungover but I'm totally loving life.

I've got a good job at Victoria's Secret and Bugaboo Creek. I'm doing well for myself. Still haven't got my own place but....I'm doing well. I think this is the first time I've written in my journal about something thats good. I usually turn to it when I'm upset.

Nice change of pace huh?

So I always do this to myself. ALWAYS. Right now I'm sitting on my ex's computer....while he and his girlfriend are in bed in the next room talking and cuddling and shit. I've told him I can't deal very well with my jealousy issues with him....and its not really him...its the fact that I've been single for so long. WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?!?!?!?!

I mean, its not like I can really go home. I'm a bit drunk and I shouldn't drive. I don't want to be pulled over and arrested for being just a bit tipsy. I can't do that. It would ruin everything.

The thing is....I get along so well with his girlfriend. But...he's just so into her, TOO into her. And things are complicated. I'm so sick of doing this to myself.

WHY CAN'T I FIND SOME CLARITY???

It just....it hurts.

And I'm sitting here crying....and wishing I was anywhere but here. And for all I know they could be having sex in the next room. Or listening to me type. I don't know. I just wish I could be okay with this. I really want to be. I really really do. I'd love to have my own life and be fine with the fact that I've put a year of worrying and crying and talking to this person who is in the very next room with some blonde, tan, tiny little girl who is so perfect....and I can't ever be that perfect. I just want a cigarette or a bottle of rum to chug or some drug to take away the pain but....nope...I don't do that. I can't do that. I amaze myself sometimes with how easily I could become an addict. Cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, food, sex, money, work, sleep....hell I could do any of them and be happy with my life. But I don't want to be an addict. I don't want to be like that. Yes, I may have had two bottles of Parrot Bay and a bottle of Twisted Tea....I'm not drunk. But I don't want to drive. I just wish I was anywhere but here.

They're awful quiet now. I don't know if its sleep or just muted sex. Either way it hurts.

I've been trying this new power trip thingy where I take a hold of my life and I'm confident and love my body and love everything about myself but then I feel so fake. I go and get a job at Victoria's Secret where I feel so insecure about myself....but I did it to prove that I could do it. Did it to prove it to myself. I don't understand why I can't figure out how to be self confident.

I mean....whats so hard in it? Not much. Just block out the world and be satisfied with what you have. But no ones happy with what they have. Its human nature.

Ya know when I started this journal I think I was either sixteen or seventeen....so either three or four years ago I was at about this same place. Feeling insecure, unloved and bored with life. Sometimes I wonder if thats all I'll ever be. Will I get The Degree? The Job? The Guy? The House? The Family? Will I???? I'm so caught up in everything that happens in life that I'm not sure if I'm ever going to have one.

Top ten things I wonder?

Will I:
Get a good job?
Be able to stand up for myself?
Fall in love?
Stop hurting?
Stop being jealous of everybody and everything?
Get over all the things that have gone wrong?
Learn to grow up?
Get a degree?
Forgive?

And will I ever figure out who I am?


I just wish I wasn't here dude.

PS. If anyone actually read this, please comment....Cause I'm amazed you read something this horribly boring and insignificant and....childish. Cause I'm pretty amazed I wrote this. I'd love to know your opinions. :-/

Tonight I was thinking....why can't we all act like children every once in awhile? I have always had this idea that I want to start in the middle of a crowded street.

I want to start a GIANT game of tag. With all walks of people. Business men and women, homeless people, shoppers, cab drivers, hell anyone.... I mean think back to when you were a kid. If someone came up to you on the playground, no matter if you knew them or not, and said "TAG YOUR IT!!" you'd race after him or her and try to tag them back. Or tag someone else and get a massive game going on the playground.

Why can't we adults do that once in awhile? I think it would be so much fun.

We're definatly getting the orange one. But I'm not sure which one of the grey we get. I really want this grey one here. But another girl has first pick out of the grey ones.

One of the kittens I'm getting (I'M GETTING TWO!) The other is orange and I don't have a picture of her.

I love it when relationships resolve themselves.

I'm ecstatic.

So I'm using bootleg internet....somehow found a signal and I haven't moved for three hours even though I have to pee like crazy.


So I moved. I feel bad but I had to, it was really hard living there. Now I'm living with my Nana. I get the house to myself for four months after my Nana goes to camp and stays there for the summer, so I'm going to have a FUN summer. I got my liscense back which is good....but something happened to my car while my roommate had it....the paint is scratched off. It sucks and I'm pretty pissed off. I'm just going to leave it alone for now....I feel like I'm being a bitch by leaving and being pissed off and I don't want to ruin relationships but....well my dvd player is broken, my tv was taken out of my room, my mp3 player has scratches all over it because it was left in my glove box, there was a lollipop stuck to the floor of my car, I found a rotten pickle under the passenger seat and a half smoked cigarette under the driver's, some of the rug of my car is discolored, the paint is chipped off my car, it took two hours to clean my car out, my car was run on E every time I got into it and the oil change is overdue by 2,000 miles. And this was all while I wasn't there. I guess you learn how people really are when you aren't around and you let them use your car. I'm upset and hurt and I feel used.

My cell phone is now on for those of you who want to contact me.

And guess what???

I'M GETTING A KITTEN!!! I'm so excited. My nana said it'd be fine with her if I got one just as long as I took care of it and kept its shots and everything else up to date. We just put a call in to one of her friend's whose daughter's cat just had a litter of kittens. There are three and they are only two weeks old so I'm hoping to get one in a month when they are mature. I'm pretty damn excited....I'll post a picture when I get it!

Hey guys. I haven't written in here in ages. And honestly everything has been going downhill. I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out....its just like I never get a break....not one. I owe so many bills that I don't even know how I'm going to get by, I don't have a job, I don't have my liscense, they're probably going to take my car away because I can't make the payments. And to top it off I made the biggest mistake by hurting someone I had feelings for. Not to mention all the bullshit I'm still going through from the last dickhead. I had a mental breakdown on campus and started bawling my eyes out in the middle of the hallway and had to go talk to a councellor. NOTHING is going my way. This is bigger then anything else I've ever gone through. And all I can do right now is write....just write and write until I'm sick because its the only way I can get out my feelings. I have no one to talk to....no one to just give me a hug. I really really need a hug. I'm really trying to get my life on track and then I get on here and find out that the person I had feelings for and hurt took me off his myspace. I just want to stop crying and feeling and being so god damned depressed. If its not one thing its another. I just can't stop feeling....and its killing me. GAWD! I just want to scream. I feel like I've lost everything. And I know I haven't but....I just I don't know how to deal. I mean things could be so much worse. But I can't get a grip and I can't stop feeling so horrible. I used to be able to deal with all this but I think I wasn't even dealing with it. I think I was just storing it all away. I just don't know what to do....I'm looking everywhere for a job, applying myself at school, trying to make friends, trying to get involved on campus. I want to do all that, I want to be happy and successful and get it together. Ya know? But fuck....its just not going well. I'm feeling better by writing this all down, having my cry and letting myself feel sorrow for losing him. I'm the one who did this. No one else. I'm the one who changed and pushed him away and let myself break down. I'm the one who did it....and now I've got to find a way to get over it. I guess I'm going in the right direction. I hope I am.

I miss you guy's support. I really do. Surprisingly I miss my old life....the one I hated so much. Why is that?

It just goes to show you how fragile friendships are. One moment you're laughing and joking together.....next all you see is their back. I've lost two people in my life recently. One, I don't mind so much. The other....I'm still crying about. Most of you won't know this person but....yeah....I think I've lost them for good. I don't see how I'll be able to salvage this one.

The other friendship, I could care less about. I haven't thought about it once. She's no more to me then dust.

But I can't stop crying, and I'm at work so I need to sign off this thingy.....

(DAVE IS COMING HOME THIS FRIDAY!!!)

I hurt.

I hurt mentally and emotionally and physically. I hurt all over. I hurt so much I don't know what to do anymore. Its clouding my vision. I can't see past all this anger and pain. I don't know where to go anymore and I don't know what to do. Everyone is leaving me. No one cares and I'll have no one soon. Its almost like everyone is gone already. Why is it that I can't stand to be alone?

It hurts so much that I can't get going. I can't lift my wings and fly. I can't move from this idle position in life. I have tried so hard....and I keep trying. But when is it going to work out? When am I going to be able to get away from it all. When am I going to stop being jealous of what everyone else has and start appreciating what I have? When is it all going to click?

I hurt so much. I hurt from all the people who have wronged me, all the pain I've put myself through and all the men out there who seem to think its alright to emotionally abuse women. I'm sick of it all. I'm sick of all that pain. I'm sick of sitting here doing all that I can to keep my head above water and still drowning. I'm sick of the effort. I'm sick of the struggle.

Won't someone explain to me what I've done wrong? What I've done to deserve this?

Well I blew the transmission in my car. Which means I have to go buy a new one....which is exciting but not at the same time. I took on a second job at a daycare which I'm hoping turns into a full time position because then I could quit walmart.... I'm going to save up as much money as I can for college and then try to take out a second loan for school. The first loan will be going toward my new car. Which will end up being a personal loan because I'd have to get FULL insurance on a thirty five hundred dollar car and thats about thirty five hundred a year....which is rediculous. So I have to talk to my dad about it....I don't know how I'm going to get a new car....blegh....I hate being in debt all the time. I owe my dad for THIS car....and now I'm going to owe a bank for the NEW car. It fucking sucks. But whatever....I'm cool with it....it means I get a cute new car. HAHA!

Well its been awhile. I'm not exactly doing the greatest but really....thats alright. What person doesn't have a few problems? I've mostly been working, thats about it. I've hung out with a few people and had some fun. I'm missing a couple of friends of mine. But well...what am I to do? I've been trying to put away money for college and so far I've only got $100. Which is so sucky. I wish I didn't have to worry about things like gas and food....and medical bills. Gawd... But I'm optimistic I guess and I'll be fine. I'm thinking about going to work for a moment to check my scedule for tommorow....I so don't want to go back to work.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!!

So with the knowledge of another year under my belt. And I've learned a hell of a lot. Lets list the top ten.

1. Do not wear high heals to work.
-Also do not wear high heals when drunk you will break something.
2. When breaking up with your first love, you cry, a lot.
-And also eat a lot of chocolate and ice cream which results in five pounds gained.
3. Do not joke around with your supervisors at work.
-Sometimes they don't know you're joking.
4. When drinking, remember to count your drinks.
-If you forget how many you've had, stop drinking.
5. Cats are your best friends.
-They will cuddle with you when no one will.
6. Appreciate what you have.
-Because you may never have it again.
7. People who have put you down all your life, should no be trusted.
-They will take advantage of you, and your money.
8. Its ok to cry.
-Blessed are those who weep because one day they will laugh again.
9. Mistakes will be made but that is a part of life.
-Do not regret your mistakes for they are what makes you, you.
10. Sex is fun.
-But be careful who you talk to about it.


So thats some of the stuff I've learned. Not all of it, cause sometimes you have to keep some stuff private. And I know some of the stuff there sounds silly....but some of it is supposed to.

Oh and for any of you who remember my puzzle ring, I bought a new one a few weeks ago....and it just came appart.....I FIGURED OUT HOW TO PUT IT TOGETHER!!! IN LIKE FIVE MINUTES!!! Yeah...I was excited.

Well Valentines day is here. I think its kinda stupid....but then again I'm single and that could be why I'm bitter. And yes, part of thats true, but the other part of it is....

Why do we need a specific day to show someone how much we love them?

Well life has been pretty boring lately. All I've been doing is working. Today I took the day off cause its been snowing like crazy and I didn't want to risk it with my breaks. I'm wanting to talk to someone and its really annoying me right now that I can't. I'm not annoyed with the person, just annoyed I can't talk. I have been watching tv and sleeping most of the day. Which has been a nice little refresher. I also have another day off tommorow. So it'll be a nice day. Bored as hell right now. Wish someone would get on so I could talk....anyone really.

Yeah. I talked to my Grams the other day at work....she seemed alright though I know she's pissed at me about my mom. But whatever....I have to be mean to get where I want to go with my life. Expecially with my mother. She tries to control everything. I'm just so scared that I'll end up like her. That I'll be the controling, bitchy, crazy mom. I don't want to have problems like that with my kids. Which is one reason I want to have boys instead of girls. I'd like to have sons. But I'm worried as hell that I'll end up going into depression like my mom. So I gotta get past that. I've got to let myself not worry so much and to strive to be better. I'm worried as hell that I'll crack like she did. I don't want to be on the happy pills like she needs to be. I'm too carefree for those....I always want to be carefree and happy. I don't understand how she could crack like that. I really don't. I'm just worried as hell that someday I will.

I'm feeling pretty tired right now. Haha. And my shoulder hurts really bad.....like I twisted it or something. Oh well....hopefully it will right itself. I'm trying my hardest to keep up a scedule and keep myself going on losing weight but sometimes its hard. I have flushed my system of pasta though.....I found that out. I got sick. Blegh. I am never eating pasta again. I felt so damn sick it wasn't even funny. I'm definatly sticking to my grains, fruit, veggies and my little bit of fish/chicken. Holy crap I felt sick....dear lord.

Ummm...what else is new. Well I am not going full time until Feb. 4th. which sorta sucks cause I wanted to be able to save up money for a trip I wanna take. Can't wait until taxes are back!! Whoot! Life rocks that way.

Currently I have written "Love" in cursive on my left hand in liquid eyeliner. I think it looks cool. I'm random.

Hmmmm....I only have ninety something dollars to my name currently. It kind of sucks. And I'm dying to get my fucking life in gear. I hate working toward nothing. Cause thats what I feel like I'm doing right now. Working my ass off for money but not really getting anywhere with it. Ahh...whatever.